My Life's Story

180 turn towards God

2006-09-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have made a pact with myself. I will no longer hurt or aggravate my feelings and situations. Everything shall be lifted up to God.

I will turn to all things that would inspire me: the Bible, friends, my family, my studies (despite its challenges), prayer, etc.

I know that there will come times of hardships, sorrows, fears, anguish and hatred. These are part of life that everybody takes and endures. And I will face it, with prayer in hand.

I will no longer turn on the dictates of what people might think, I will live because this is what God wants me to become. Everything will be certain because of His promise. That promise that I will hold on.

-----0-----

Psalm 23:

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Physical Pains and Numbness

2006-09-06T05:32:00.000-07:00

I am seeking God again... Honestly I have been neglectful of His promises. Maybe my heart is just too weak that I easily give in to my humanly wants. There are more things in life that I should look forward to than to think about my life's problems.

I sometimes think that there are easier ways to deal with my problems. Lately (Leo, I know that you told me not to be sad and depressed anymore), but everything just seems to get out of hand. Part of it is very personal and I like to thank Bethel that I was able to share my hurts and feelings with her. Just the thought that someone is praying for me along with my own prayers, I get the assurance that somehow God will hear the dwellings of my heart.

It's hard to get by with my condition, the fact that I'm having some chest pains and sometimes numbness in my left arm. I have to be in tune with my doctor more, but my school schedule, sometimes just wouldn't allow me to. And if it did, I sometimes feel bad for missing the lecture. I know that there are things that we ought to sacrifice and give weight to, but before anything else... "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God."

The very virtue that I had lived by for sometime, broken in a moment's tragedy. I know it's just a challenge from the One above that I had to go through. To make me a stronger and a better person. To teach me to make up for my mistakes. To teach me to fully put my trust in Him.

True when Leo commented that "a little faith goes a long way." It does. I have asked God for the answers and He has given it to me. From love, to law school, to the choices I make in my life. All the way, despite my mistakes He's been there at my side. And now, God is just telling me to be patient for He has plans, greater than what my heart and my mind could imagine.

Yes, I still cry bitterly over my tragedies, but this time I lift my tears unto the Lord. I shall let Him hear my anguish, the very secret in my heart. The cry for help that I know only He can respond to.

I had been selfish, I had been bitter. I know there are better ways of dealing with my pains and I just have to trust God.

It's Been A While

2006-07-24T05:00:00.000-07:00

It's been almost a month... 2 months into law school, praying everything will be okay. Sad part about it, there are times I feel so out of my league. Or maybe they're just trials that God wanted me to face.

I've had 2 quizzes for one of my major subjects and I failed both of them. I try to study to do better as much as I can but seems like I can only do as much.

With the changing weather I feel so sickly. I feel like a 60 year old trapped in a body of a 20 something. I try to take it easy for my heart ailment and now, my vertigo's back because of the fact that I have to pour myself into studying and memorizing. I'm not complaining of the piles and piles of things to read, what I'm concerned about rather is my health.

I pray to God everyday asking Him for the same things. I was taught to be blunt towards Him, tell Him my feelings and I do to the point that I fall asleep just by talking to Him. I find myself close to tears for all the things that I'm going through.

I try to get as much sleep but I find myself worrying that sleeping too much would entail less time for studying.

I decided to take a break for now, typing this blog. But in the course of doing so, I feel like my world is spinning around me. My head's so heavy. I needed to get a full physical check up.

"Oh Lord, I seek you for I thirst. I want to be with you in the shadows of Your love."

Screw Experts... Trust God!!!

2006-06-06T01:16:00.000-07:00

I came across Oprah one afternoon and she had this guest who's an author of a book. Yes, I know he might be an expert on guys and relationships but then I am quite skeptic to this "what you ought and not ought to do thing expert's point of view".

Who can say that they know things in a relationship? People are different and despite that there are similarities one way or another it doesn't mean that the conclusion of the similarities has a clear cut definition. I have been a big skeptic when it came to self-help books and know-it-all references out there in the market. I don't want to prove them wrong, moreover I don't want to prove them right either! I'm not afraid to be right or wrong in my thesis but I think that the best self-help book out there is the Bible.

Self-help books can give no assurance whatsoever that this is the clear definition of what is to happen. In fact, we don't know what would happen in the future! And that itself is called taking the risk!

After almost a month in my search of God through His words, I have come to trust more into His words, which gave me the most assuring things I can ever have than those psychology books out there which costs hundreds or even thousands claiming this is the solution to our problems.

I have chosen the path on how I'm going to live my life. It's not on what the experts say that I ought to live and what I ought to believe but rather to live on my faith and my trust in God.

My Trust In God...

2006-05-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

I learned so many things today especially during the Bible study and 1-2-1 I had with my friend, Bethel. For so long a time I had been keeping the real reasons of my troubles and I'm just relieved to be able to share it with someone knowing that I won't be judged for something I'm doing. Honestly, it's been a struggle for me to think of it and sometimes I get sleepless just at the thought of it.

It's hard and I know I will be reminded of the things that some people can forget at this time. But it's just different for me. I might be called stupid to consider something some people might say is impossible but I came to believe that there is nothing impossible with God. I put my faith in Him and I know that He has plans for me. I just pray that I have enough patience and faith to keep on trusting him.

Perturbed (2)...

2006-05-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

I am still troubled, seems like the more I try not to think about it the more I'm being haunted. Have you ever been in a situtation wherein when you least expected it something would remind of that thing you're trying not to think about? It's been weeks since I've been in that situation and part of me just wanted to give up.

Lately, I find myself shedding tears at night. I just think that doing this would somehow, slightly ease the pain I have in my heart. I fall into deep slumber but sometimes my troubles haunt me in my dreams as well.

I pray to God to get me through this, but I just feel so weak. I seemed to lose all the hope, the patience and the faith but I know that I shouldn't let go.

Surreal World...

2006-05-07T23:56:00.000-07:00

Have you every been in a situation wherein you think that everything you're doing is all a mistake?

I am weak with emotions, I am stupid with feelings. People say that you have to follow your heart, but is it worth it?

Follow your heart people say I'm immature, I'm stupid, I'm weak. But follow your mind, you're put into a pedestal of being the most perfect person with everything, "beauty" and brains even.

But I'm not that. Don't judge me. Yes I have my weaknesses but there's always room for improvement. There's always room to learn.

I can only ask God to strengthen me through my weaknesses, humble me in pride.

I am still haunted by my troubles...

A New Hope

2006-05-04T05:36:00.000-07:00

Ok the title might seem a plagiarism of Starwars Episode 4, but then the said text is an appropriate title to what I had in mind.

This afternoon I went to the weekly Bible Study session with Sir Normz and Bethel. Somehow I had expanded my acquaintances with Pastor William and Sir Homer and met a new one with Ruth. I had gone to believe that there is no such thing as a coincidence. Apparently this afternoon, Sir Normz was supposed to discuss the third part on How To Win In Life but we started off with Pastor William leading us through the fourth part.

Every week of discussion seems like to have an impact on what I'm going through and this session was just the same as I had in the past weeks.

My mind has been troubled for the past few days and sometimes I'm on the verge of succumbing to its troubles and hopelessness again. Yet it seemed like God telling me never to let myself be condemned into depression. How was yet another question...

Pastor William shared that we shouldn't be inhibited in asking God what our heart desires. Like King David in his Psalms, he was honest to what he felt and tell God everything even if he gets angry with the Lord. He was honest and that kind of conviction and faith is what God is exactly asking and expecting.

I had so much intentions and desires in my heart that I inhibitedly try to ask from God but I'm always to afraid to ask with the thought that I'm asking too much from God. But I was told that it's okay because if we tell God our intentions and desires, we are letting God take over our lives. A complete trust and faith in Him.

... I sounded a bit off with my post but I just want to share the inspirations I gathered...

Perturbed...

2006-05-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of things that's been going in my mind lately and sometimes I can't help wishing things would just go on smoothly...

I found myself in an emotional rollercoaster. One time I found myself all strong and defined with conviction but the next day I falter. I hated it when a certain song or place brings too much thought.

Has any of you guys been in a situation where you can't just tell out the truth knowing that if you say it, it'll only hurt you more?

I distract myself these days, reading some things for law school, asking some of my friends to lend me some of their first year law notes. I've been over the legal dictionary.coms to look for definitions of law jargons or some Latin whatsthis...

I pamper myself with stress busters like watching TV or VCDs at home. Can you believe I'm actually lining up Bituing Walang Ningning on my player?

I took up the invitation of Sir Normz and Bethel to join their Bible Study group.

Yet, at the end of the day when I lay on my bed I can't help feeling so troubled.I found myself reaching for the book of all books, the Bible and find solace.

God's Comforting Arms...

2006-04-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

I went to my first ever Bible study and I learned a lot from it. I know a lot of times I consider myself the weakest person but it's comforting to know that we can find strength in God, good to know that we can always put our faith in Him just as David did when Saul was in pursuit of him.

Just recently I had a conflict with my dad. I know as much as possible I don't want to be in conflict with anyone in my family much more with my parents. I know I had my faults but because of my love for him, this time I did not hesitate to tell him his shortcomings. One of my cousins told me before that if you love someone you would not be inhibited in telling a person what he or she has done wrong, because you know deep in your heart you don't want that person to be bad infront of other people. In this case, it did happen and because of what I did our relationship became has come hard to bear.

I thought for awhile after this incident happened and decided to stay with my aunt and cousin for the night. It's not that I'm running from a problem but rather I don't want to aggrevate my situation that I already have with my dad. I'm sure if I hadn't done what I did both of us would've been hostile with each other. I needed the opportunity to think things through and think on how Jesus Himself would handle the situation if He were in my shoes at this point.

I know I am weak despite the facade that I show that I am strong. I know that I had put my trust in God to take over my life but at times I can't help asking things to be done my way.

A few days ago I received a text message from one of my former professors, (Sir) Normz and his fiancee, Bethel, regarding a Bible Study they come to every Thursday. Before I had the intention that I'll just "try" to come by but maybe there was something God wanted to tell me. So he brought about this incident with my dad to bring me closer to Him.

I shared my problem with Bethel and I found it comforting that she neither judged what I did nor said anything that I did wrong. Rather I was told that everything is God's plan and that everything was meant to happen as they should. Those words somehow gave me comfort and it lifted my heart, taking some of the burden of hatred and anguish away. From the Bible study, I contemplated my relationship with God. Slowly, little by little through the course of the gathering I was able to examine myself, see some of the things clearly but not completely. I felt as if God is giving me this miracle to grow into His faith, grow in His love. That despite the challenges and trials I should not forget to turn to Him.

After the gathering I felt good and somehow my heart freed from the sorrows. It was a good start and I plan to uphold on to it and know God more deeply.

To Bethel and (Sir) Normz, I thank God for His loving kindness that He sent people like you to give assurance to people like me that God is always with us.

Thinking...

2006-02-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

I can't help wondering where I'm going next. I'm having mixed feelings as the end of the month comes nearer.

I don't have any regrets why I had to resign. At present I find myself literally dragging myself to work, more stressed at the fact that I have to go to work where I know I don't have anything to do or the fact that I don't like the job. I always thought before that I'd outgrow the feeling of not liking my job but I guess I was wrong. The more I defied the desires of my heart, the more I was in conflict with myself. It's an irony when people tell you to follow your heart but think it over. It's like they're giving you an unsolicited advise but don't want to be blamed for giving such. But in the end there's no one to blame and no one is to make those decisions but us.

I might sound as if I'm "problemizing" this thing I have at present. Yet the greater problem I have is I found myself faltering and losing faith at times. I admit that I am still weak...

It's A Wonder...

2006-02-17T00:11:00.000-08:00

Why is it even despite me getting hurt, it feels alright? It seems as if God is taking my pains away...

Senseless Way of Taking a Life

2006-02-16T16:28:00.000-08:00

I also have another blog account (http://www.blurty.com/users/rotten_mangoes) and sadly, one of my blogmate's office colleague was murdered. He was stabbed several times near the footbridge at Commonwealth Ave. and no one was there to witness the incident.

Then another one, a friend's brother was shot. He is to be put to rest this Sunday.

It's so sad that so many lives were taken away so brutally, so senseless that in a way you also wished that the perpetrators pay their sins with their lives as well.

But I know God will give His judgement in His time. He will put to justice the people who did these brutal things.

1 Corinthians 13: LOVE

2006-02-13T19:19:00.000-08:00

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Ecclesiastes 3

2006-02-12T22:23:00.000-08:00

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?

22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

Psalm 139

2006-02-09T22:25:00.000-08:00

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Trusting In God

2006-02-08T18:40:00.000-08:00

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." - Psalm 143:8

"In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" - Psalm 56:4

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want."

God Does Things According To His Plan...

2006-02-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I feel anxious as to what my future will hold once my last day here in IBM comes. I only have 14 working days to go and I have these mixed feelings of happiness, sadness, excitement and fear. But it's kind of weird that instead of thinking and following up on my Transco application, it seemed from these past few days that I'm not thinking about it. Maybe God has His reasons so as not to make me so worried.

I remember the very same things happened to me before that when I least expected something to happen, it will happen because God made it happen. Like I wasn't expecting for IBM before to call me up when I was still in Shell, but then it came!

I read from one of my readings last night that God is never late in giving us His blessings. In fact He is always on time. We are the only ones who are impatient to say that His blessings come in too late. If I become to believe that I don't think any of these good things would've happened to me.

Creepy Incident...

2006-02-06T21:57:00.000-08:00

Just recently I had this really creepy incident with someone I barely knew. I applied for a credit card through a call center agent who initially offered such to my mom. But my mom asked me to try it out since I wanted to get a credit card of my own (this is so I could further learn how to manage my finances). When this call center finally got my application, I started receiving some unsolicited text messages from the said agent. He was even asking me for my e-mail address so he could add me up in his Friendster and MySpace accounts, in addition he was also asking for my Yahoo! Messenger ID. Initially I found it unnecessary because it's not within the scope of the relation of a client and an agent. But due to his persistence I asked him bluntly if what he's asking for is necessary? His reply was rather rude but I didn't give any attention to it when he told me that it's okay if I don't give my personal data to him but if I did everything would be much happier. Due to differences in opinion I told him that I don't think including him in my personal agendas is necessary in my application. Just from that statement anybody in his right mind would've understood that I don't want to take our relation as a client and an agent much further than it is.

But then he kept on persisting by sending me some jokes and quotes until I finally told him that I would appreciate it if he doesn't send me text messages unless if it's about my application. The nerve of the guy when he replied that I disturbed him in his band practice by sending him a text message. Also in his reply he told me that I wasn't the only person whom he sent that quote to, he assumed that I'm claiming to be someone special in his eyes and that he's courting or stalking me or what. He even implied that I'm this snobby, rich kid who doesn't appreciate the friendliness of working class kids like him.

It was a big "DUH!" And it was an insult to me as well because he was judging me when he doesn't even know who I am! And this was the first time I encountered something so unprofessional from an agent.

So then yesterday, I made it a point to file my complaint to their Human Resource manager and his immediate supervisor. The things just happened so quickly yesterday, it was as if every circumstance conspired to help me get the information I needed to file my complaint.

That agent texted me again yesterday informing me that there's someone who would come by my office to give a credit card application for my dad. What better opportunity than to ask that person what call center that credit card company is partnered with! I replied that I would receive the application form personally. Then he made this little dramatic reply that I would rather that the messenger deliver the form to my office instead of him. I told him it doesn't matter. When I went to receive the application form, I had this gut feeling before I met him that he was the one who delivered it and I'm not so surprised that it was actually him. (How did you know what he looks like, you might ask? Remember his persistence that I add him up in Friendster? He gave me his e-mail address and I checked his picture so I could avoid him by all means!). I just pretended that I did not recognize him (hey, I better use what I learned when I was casted as an extra for ABS-CBN's Hiram, right?!) and asked him where the credit card's office is. I don't know if he's not aware that agents shouldn't be giving out such confidential information, he actually gave me the name of his office (he's working in one of the call centers in Eastwood), just really near where I'm working!

Afterwards, I composed my complaint letter, got the HR Manager's name from a friend and I went to their office to personally file my formal complaint against their agent for Unprofessional Behavior. When the HR Manager and that agent's immediate manager assessed my letter and after showing them the text messages I got from this person, they actually filed it as a case of Harrassment. The HR Manager asked me how I got to know where this person is working and I told her that someone came by my office earlier to deliver an application form for my dad. That's when I took the opportunity to ask what call center is handling this credit card accounts. And the immediate manager confirmed that he actually have an agent by that name which I put in my complaint letter. Also he told me that this person asked permission from him earlier that he needs to go to IBM to hand deliver an application. My gut feeling was confirmed. And I told the immediate manager that his agent is not only harrassing me but he's also a liar as well!

Creepy thing happened last night, that agent texted me again and told me that it was actually him who delivered the application form for my dad. My gut feeling that afternoon was again confirmed. He had the mindset of an amateur stalker (hey, excuse me for watching too much Crime Suspense shows!).

Hmmm... Maybe I ought to take a degree in Psychology?!

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

2006-02-02T17:30:00.000-08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Life's Challenges...

2006-02-01T16:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was talking with my brother and we were discussing about some issues that we have in the family. Everybody has their own problems and this one is just one of those that I have besides everything else.

I came face to face with the fact that in a few weeks time I will officially be unemployed (that is only if I don't get a job offer within the month). I began to deliberate on the decisions I have bestowed upon myself whether it's for the best or not. If I didn't decide to let go of this "stability" I have now, I would be succumbing again into another bouts of depression. But now that I'm still uncertain on where I would go to next could lead me there, too. It's not an issue of which of the two things contain the lesser evil but then it's the risk I chose. Honestly, I'm having second thoughts with the decision I made but I know everything else will fall into place if I just believe and have faith.

Last night I almost felt like crying again only that I was reading the Bible as a habit which I took to heart this year. I came across a certain scripture and I can't help thinking that the Lord's word never came more as a coincidence but rather I chose to think that He made me encounter it because He knew the questions that I have in my heart.

"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." - Matthew 21:22

These words gave me much comfort but I know I still have my weaknesses. Honestly, I still doubt on what would happen but if I keep on thinking and reassuring myself that things will go as God wants it to happen, then I shouldn't worry.

It's Called Life!

2006-01-30T17:01:00.000-08:00

Why is it that some guys are so turned on by "*lesbianism" when they themselves are homophobics especially against gay men?

This really made me think...

* Lesbianism - I just made this one up. What I meant by the term is girls kissing, girls getting it on --> you know what I mean.

Okay that question is just a starter, an eye catcher nonetheless. I recently filed for resignation from the company I'm currently working in (yeah yeah, it's a crime to be using their resources for personal interests... but hey I can't help my thoughts from spilling!). Honestly I have these mixed emotions of happiness, sadness, excitement and anxiety. A friend told me last night that's good because at least my emotions are balanced. Hmm... I think it has become confusing. But then another friend told me not to be pondering too much on things like these. He would always ask me the question "Ano ba ang pinoproblema mo?" whenever I ask him for his opinions. Admittedly, I sometimes put too much pressure on myself. I kept on pondering things when they should be taken lightly (pink or khaki jacket? hmmm... think think!). I have found myself becoming indecisive in some things about my life. It's not that I'm afraid of failing but rather it's the risk of doing it is what makes me think long and hard. Of course, things should be put to thought first before we make any drastic decisions. Believe me most of my decisions are based upon some ultimate goals that I have set for myself way before I even started working.

But everything there is would be most impossible without the help of our own true Helper, Guide, Adviser, Teacher, Friend and Father. Our Lord God! :)

My Adviser

2006-01-24T00:52:00.000-08:00

I know that I will not get out of my depression overnight. I had the chance to talk with one of the closest people I ever encountered in my college life, Sir Pete. Actually I call him "Taytay", "Tay", "Tatay Pete". Amongst the people whom I trust, he's one of those people whom I could talk to almost about anything.

Last Saturday I found myself communicating with him again after months of silence. It's so wonderful to hear from an old friend, this one a former adviser and friend. He's in Bulacan at his fiance's house and I'm so glad that he and Naynay are already engaged.

Earlier this afternoon I told him about my recurring depression and somehow it was so comforting to know that there is someone out there who's willing to listen and to understand. Somehow sharing with him my most vulnerable experiences gives me a sense of peace because I am able to share something I know that I can't deal with alone. I admittedly needed help.

Though I still feel troubled, still I'm glad I was able to share this with someone I know I could trust. And I just want to believe that God made me encounter "Taytay" again.

God has been so good to me and despite the sinfulness of my life, He still blesses me with a lot of things. I almost lost hope but He lifted me up.

My Life's Story

2006-01-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

Physically fatigued.
Emotionally beaten.
Psychologically confused.
Spiritually lost.

In the alternate world I had died a long time ago, but in God's grace I lived. I knelt down and prayed, my body shaking from the beating I endured. I will seek His grace, I will seek His forgiveness, I will seek His presence. I looked up and saw His light. A light giving me hope. A light telling me never to falter. A light telling me never to lose faith. It's God's sign, it's God's solace.