180 turn towards God

I have made a pact with myself. I will no longer hurt or aggravate my feelings and situations. Everything shall be lifted up to God.

I will turn to all things that would inspire me: the Bible, friends, my family, my studies (despite its challenges), prayer, etc.

I know that there will come times of hardships, sorrows, fears, anguish and hatred. These are part of life that everybody takes and endures. And I will face it, with prayer in hand.

I will no longer turn on the dictates of what people might think, I will live because this is what God wants me to become. Everything will be certain because of His promise. That promise that I will hold on.

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Psalm 23:

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Physical Pains and Numbness

I am seeking God again... Honestly I have been neglectful of His promises. Maybe my heart is just too weak that I easily give in to my humanly wants. There are more things in life that I should look forward to than to think about my life's problems.

I sometimes think that there are easier ways to deal with my problems. Lately (Leo, I know that you told me not to be sad and depressed anymore), but everything just seems to get out of hand. Part of it is very personal and I like to thank Bethel that I was able to share my hurts and feelings with her. Just the thought that someone is praying for me along with my own prayers, I get the assurance that somehow God will hear the dwellings of my heart.

It's hard to get by with my condition, the fact that I'm having some chest pains and sometimes numbness in my left arm. I have to be in tune with my doctor more, but my school schedule, sometimes just wouldn't allow me to. And if it did, I sometimes feel bad for missing the lecture. I know that there are things that we ought to sacrifice and give weight to, but before anything else... "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God."

The very virtue that I had lived by for sometime, broken in a moment's tragedy. I know it's just a challenge from the One above that I had to go through. To make me a stronger and a better person. To teach me to make up for my mistakes. To teach me to fully put my trust in Him.

True when Leo commented that "a little faith goes a long way." It does. I have asked God for the answers and He has given it to me. From love, to law school, to the choices I make in my life. All the way, despite my mistakes He's been there at my side. And now, God is just telling me to be patient for He has plans, greater than what my heart and my mind could imagine.

Yes, I still cry bitterly over my tragedies, but this time I lift my tears unto the Lord. I shall let Him hear my anguish, the very secret in my heart. The cry for help that I know only He can respond to.

I had been selfish, I had been bitter. I know there are better ways of dealing with my pains and I just have to trust God.

It's Been A While

It's been almost a month... 2 months into law school, praying everything will be okay. Sad part about it, there are times I feel so out of my league. Or maybe they're just trials that God wanted me to face.

I've had 2 quizzes for one of my major subjects and I failed both of them. I try to study to do better as much as I can but seems like I can only do as much.

With the changing weather I feel so sickly. I feel like a 60 year old trapped in a body of a 20 something. I try to take it easy for my heart ailment and now, my vertigo's back because of the fact that I have to pour myself into studying and memorizing. I'm not complaining of the piles and piles of things to read, what I'm concerned about rather is my health.

I pray to God everyday asking Him for the same things. I was taught to be blunt towards Him, tell Him my feelings and I do to the point that I fall asleep just by talking to Him. I find myself close to tears for all the things that I'm going through.

I try to get as much sleep but I find myself worrying that sleeping too much would entail less time for studying.

I decided to take a break for now, typing this blog. But in the course of doing so, I feel like my world is spinning around me. My head's so heavy. I needed to get a full physical check up.

"Oh Lord, I seek you for I thirst. I want to be with you in the shadows of Your love."

Screw Experts... Trust God!!!

I came across Oprah one afternoon and she had this guest who's an author of a book. Yes, I know he might be an expert on guys and relationships but then I am quite skeptic to this "what you ought and not ought to do thing expert's point of view".

Who can say that they know things in a relationship? People are different and despite that there are similarities one way or another it doesn't mean that the conclusion of the similarities has a clear cut definition. I have been a big skeptic when it came to self-help books and know-it-all references out there in the market. I don't want to prove them wrong, moreover I don't want to prove them right either! I'm not afraid to be right or wrong in my thesis but I think that the best self-help book out there is the Bible.

Self-help books can give no assurance whatsoever that this is the clear definition of what is to happen. In fact, we don't know what would happen in the future! And that itself is called taking the risk!

After almost a month in my search of God through His words, I have come to trust more into His words, which gave me the most assuring things I can ever have than those psychology books out there which costs hundreds or even thousands claiming this is the solution to our problems.

I have chosen the path on how I'm going to live my life. It's not on what the experts say that I ought to live and what I ought to believe but rather to live on my faith and my trust in God.

My Trust In God...

I learned so many things today especially during the Bible study and 1-2-1 I had with my friend, Bethel. For so long a time I had been keeping the real reasons of my troubles and I'm just relieved to be able to share it with someone knowing that I won't be judged for something I'm doing. Honestly, it's been a struggle for me to think of it and sometimes I get sleepless just at the thought of it.

It's hard and I know I will be reminded of the things that some people can forget at this time. But it's just different for me. I might be called stupid to consider something some people might say is impossible but I came to believe that there is nothing impossible with God. I put my faith in Him and I know that He has plans for me. I just pray that I have enough patience and faith to keep on trusting him.

Perturbed (2)...

I am still troubled, seems like the more I try not to think about it the more I'm being haunted. Have you ever been in a situtation wherein when you least expected it something would remind of that thing you're trying not to think about? It's been weeks since I've been in that situation and part of me just wanted to give up.

Lately, I find myself shedding tears at night. I just think that doing this would somehow, slightly ease the pain I have in my heart. I fall into deep slumber but sometimes my troubles haunt me in my dreams as well.

I pray to God to get me through this, but I just feel so weak. I seemed to lose all the hope, the patience and the faith but I know that I shouldn't let go.

Surreal World...

Have you every been in a situation wherein you think that everything you're doing is all a mistake?

I am weak with emotions, I am stupid with feelings. People say that you have to follow your heart, but is it worth it?

Follow your heart people say I'm immature, I'm stupid, I'm weak. But follow your mind, you're put into a pedestal of being the most perfect person with everything, "beauty" and brains even.

But I'm not that. Don't judge me. Yes I have my weaknesses but there's always room for improvement. There's always room to learn.

I can only ask God to strengthen me through my weaknesses, humble me in pride.

I am still haunted by my troubles...